"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me;..."
Thinking of the famous scripture from Psalm 23, I contemplate the words and what they mean.
I feel like there is never ending stress that finds us at the worst of times and makes hard times harder. I feel the murky clouds moving slowly and menacingly over me and my mood shifts into a dark place. I don’t like this familiar territory that I often hide from. I want to move out of the shadows quickly before it starts to consume me. Yet, I feel trapped in a scary corner unable to escape.
On the same night my sister called, my mom called. What’s bad news without more bad news?!
My uncle is sick. I’ve known this for a few short weeks. What I didn’t know was how bad it is until yesterday.
I was scheduled to visit him this past summer but plans changed because I couldn’t wrangle up the entire clan to make a family trip out of it. So I didn’t listen to my gut and do what I wanted which was visit my family that has been asking for years. I knew and said aloud many times that I needed to visit them this summer, saying how I felt something terrible was going to happen. I heard the ever popular “you don’t know that”.
Months later they are now telling me my uncle, of everyone out there he is the one that is always writing me, that he is probably going to die within the next few weeks if not days. My words cannot even express my sadness in hearing the details that really gives me little hope. Mostly, I feel anger boil at the simple fact that I think it all could have been prevented. The details of events that lead to him being heavily sedated and unresponsive to anything is disturbing to say the least. How not one person, nurse or doctor, had the right mind to know how sick he was BEFORE he slipped into the state he is now.
My anger and frustration is at an all-time high and I have half a mind to fly out there just so I can yell and someone and point figures, whether or not it would accomplish anything. Then I can be there for him so he isn’t alone in what is very likely his last moments.
To make matters worse he doesn’t have an advance directive signed. So the family is struggling to agree on a DNR - do not resuscitate. If he were to survive the infection that has spread to his brain and even in his bone marrow, he would live in a home unaware of his life or surroundings. Being secluded from everyone that knows him and how much of a life would that be?
I have made it very clear that if I was beyond hope of an actual life, conscious of myself and those around me, please I beg do not do that to me or to yourself!
I am deeply sadden and upset about how things are playing out, I do not want my uncle to pass but more than my own selfishness of what I want, I wouldn’t want him to spend the rest of his days in a home, unable to talk, communication or have any quality of life. I can’t imagine how the people living closest to him would want that for him either. I don’t understand it, I don’t understand much.