Just when you think you’ve planned it all out, life decides to change direction for you. It’s impossible for people to plan out their life. For those of you out there that say they plan everything to the detail and it always works out, please be advised… you may be running full speed ahead but life’s curve will throw you off course when you least expect it.
I’m a born planner… I plan, plan, plan! I have the gift of planning out an entire event in my head down to the very last and smallest of details. But, as much as I can plan, there’s so little I can control. Even if I try to think of everything, there is always something you least expect.
When I was diagnosed with KidneyDisease, I blogged about how depressed it made me feel. I felt like it flipped my hourglass and I was limited on time. Not that I thought I would live forever, but when you think about it, you plan ahead for the things that you want in your future, as uncertain as it is. But, when there is a possible end date, sooner than you were hoping, you kinda freak. You think and obsess about all the things you have yet to do, all the things you had planned for the future. The future becomes now. You work on the things that matter, you spend time with those you truly love and you don’t waste time on the little things.
When they told me at 30 that I had about 20 years… I thought 20 years is a long time compared to some. That’s a good amount of time but then I thought about everyone around me that is older than 50 and the things that have happened to them since turning 50… grandkids and trips and all that life has given them. It was hard to think of things in short term when I have been thinking long term all along. Of course, diet and medicines all factor in and if I am a good girl I will probably have the 20 years, unless of course something else unfortunate comes along…
Then the sands of time seem to flow faster and faster. Instead of staring incessantly at the mounting sand, I suddenly heard the ticking of a clock… almost like a time bomb ready to explode.
Very, very few people know that I was recently diagnosed with Lupus. An auto-immune disease that will attack my kidneys first, how’s that for luck. That would be my something else and now my ticking clock just seems to get louder and louder! As I narrow my sights on my hourglass, this large container holding my future comes into focus and I realize it’s half the size I thought it was. My time keeps getting cut shorter and shorter.
Of course, when I found out after the multitude of tests after tests, I didn’t get as depressed as I did the first time. I didn’t enjoy hearing that but knowing that I am not crazy and when I felt like something was wrong and that I was right. Was I glad I was right? NO! But, at least I know what it is and what I can do about it, as limited as I realize that is.
So after long consideration of what time I have left and what I want to do with it, I realize that I keep planning uncertainly for the future that I hope to have, even though I know I can’t plan for anything because I really don’t know. Unfortunately, I have become a live in the moment kind of person instead of a plan for the years ahead, because who am I kidding with the years ahead, I could live longer than anyone ever expected or die tomorrow. There is no planning, so I have to enjoy the here and now. I will still make plans for tomorrow but I can’t waste today!
My mom called yesterday, told me that my uncle has blood poisoning (Septicemia). Of course, I googled it since I have little knowledge about it. As it turns out WedMD is becoming my unwelcomed best friend. From what I am told he is very ill and because he has kidney disease, too, I worry what impact that will make on him. As I read the more than 50% of people that have blood poisoning die from it, I click out of it and sit stewing about the fact that he is so sick.
Guilt is my companion.
I had a trip planned to see my uncle, would have been next week… but it was canceled because I couldn’t get everyone together in the plans. I kept thinking that it shouldn’t matter if anyone else goes, I should still go. I wish I had listened to my gut. If something were to happen to him, I would be devastated and the guilt will never end… I don’t want to look back and think I should have gone. As I pray for his recovery, I worry myself sick about it.
Here I look at my years and feel sad and then in moments like this those years I have is nothing compared to weeks or days someone else has!
In part, the reason I was so adamant in my other post about cutting people out is that I feel like don’t have time for drama and won’t waste my time fighting with people. It’s not worth the time I lose in fighting for something I don’t want anyways.
Barely moments after I posted that I wouldn’t request my friend that I deleted on Facebook, she requested me. She had texted me that her mother in law has Pancreatic Cancer and here we go again, WedMd. As I read about the months a person has to live and the lack of treatment for that type of cancer, I am struck with sadness I cannot let go of.
You just never know…