Over It.

I either get over things or I’m over things…

So, since I have a moment, I typed out a blog I wanted to post.  I wrote this all out about two weeks ago.  During one of the few moments I was actually in town or should I say at home?!  As I type what I had written, I already feel a sense of change in my own hard-headed opinion that I was so adamant about only weeks before…

Right now (two weeks ago), I’m over things, mostly people!  Often times I find myself in situations where my give n’ take relationships consist of me giving and someone else taking.  I do believe it’s high time to break that filthy habit!

I have people in my life that are there for me, through all that I go through.  They never question me or ask for something in return.  They love me for all that I am and am not!

So, when I involve myself or stay involved with people that aren’t as genuine as those people, I know.  But, I want to know there is more to people that their first impressions, if there wasn’t then people would believe what they first think of me, is all that there is to me and we all know that simply wouldn’t be true.

Even, if I am 50 shades of fucked up, sometimes!

So, I try to give people the benefit of my initials doubts, with that I tend to give more than I really intended, which in turn leaves me right here, in a situation I don’t want to be in, one where I have to choose between my heart and my head.  It’s an awful decision that I hate making because no matter how long it takes, my mind always wins and that’s when I will finally let go.

It’s hard each time, but once I give up and am completely over it and I move on.  I have to say that in all the times I have done this, I have only felt better because of it.  Not to say that I don’t have moments that I miss people that I had to let go, but that daily drama or stress that I felt is gone and I feel so much lighter and better for it and that is worth more than its weight in friendship.

I tired of having one-sided friendships, I’m tired of trying with people that don’t take the time to see how I’m doing or have any clue about my daily struggles.  A line I hear a lot is “you have no idea what I have been going through” or “how hard things have been for me” and every time I hear that and sometimes often agree that I don’t know everyone’s struggles and I always take that into account, but what I don’t get is how they do not realize that everyone has struggles, even me.

I’m not one to Facebook any kind of drama or stress that I have, mostly because I don’t want to think about things any more than I do and I surely don’t want the input and drama that can stem from too many opinions.  Also, I don’t think they WHOLE world needs to know everything, certainly not every time I use the bathroom or make dinner, which seems to be popular!  Plus, some things should truly stay private.  When couples fight on Facebook, I think it’s just ridiculous, sharing that much intimacy is showing no respect for your partner.  It’s not to say when I’m mad at mine, I don’t call up my BFF to talk me down, believe me I do, but I don’t belittle him or ever let anyone talk badly about it.  Asking for a real opinion is not the same thing as just talk crap about someone.

Anyhow, I like to keep things light and funny, staying positive in my life and facing forward so that I don’t dwell or sulk in misery, because I don’t generally like it’s company!  I don’t want to obsess about things I can’t control, like other people!  I learned than long ago and I have tried to remind myself of that fact whenever it comes into question.  I tend to give people more chances than I should but I guess my silver lining is that eventually I do the smart thing and say that’s enough!  I’m not the one that’s always going to call, I’m not the one that is always going to come for a visit and I’m not that one that is always going to try!

I’m also not a Facebook delete-r because I find that I can get over things before I slap the delete button in someone’s face!  But, yesterday I hit the button over and over, again.  Whoever I offend with such an act, I cannot be sorry because I had good reason!

Before I went all irrational, I was asked why don’t I just block them so I don’t have to delete them? This simple sentence made me stew even more because I figured what’s the point? It’s exactly what I don’t want, it’s another one-sided friendship!  If I wanted to delete them, why would I care to even see their stuff?  Why should I care about offending someone that has already clearly offended me?  Why block someone from seeing your stuff while you can still view all of theirs, it’s pointless!  So, for those one-sided friendships that I had, I deleted you, too!

As I stare at the 500 friends I have left after my deleting rampage, I think about how many of those hundreds, do I truly, truly care about.  I love my friends and family, which I am blessed with many.  And, of those very few that I really connect with, I think about how I don’t really need Facebook, because those that really care are there beyond what Facebook has to offer.  If someone truly wants to be friends then they would and I’m done with those that aren’t.

This all started because a friend of mine came to town and didn’t call.  Last time I saw her was at her wedding in Puerto Rico in which I was the Maid of Honor.  That debt was fun to recover from.  She lives on the East Coast, since I’m on the West, we could be further apart unless she changed continents.  

I felt hurt immediately, as soon as I saw her Facebook post where she was literally two minutes away from my house.  It was a devastating realization I wasn’t prepared for. 

She touched on a pet peeve of mine.  I travel A LOT, of which I divide my time as best I can to see people, especially those that want to see me.  I’ve blogged several times about the pulling I feel in so many directions, it’s often hard to want to visit, so needless to say, I know the demands and pressures, not to mention the stress of traveling and its high costs.  I’ve been doing this very thing since before I had kids, which I’m already in the teens!  I consider myself somewhat of an expert in this area.

(Apparently this was all just perfect timing because the VERY next day my friend that claims her love to me all the time, BFF’s since the 9th grade, through marriages, babies, divorces and everything in between calls me to tell me she’s in LA!!  I kick my feet in the air over and over at the wonder about people and what they are thinking.  How things can be so one-sided all the time.  I even come near her area and I’m stabbed with hot pokers for not giving a month’s notice and putting her at the top of the visiting list.  I shake my head at the logic of my so-called friends!)

So, when I am told that I don’t understand that’s when I know that this friendship is superficial, if she can really say that, then she doesn’t know me at all because she has really paid no attention to my side of the friendship in the 15 years that I have known her, which is what made me that much more devastated. 

I know the demands and I told her I would have been available for her when she had the time and I would have come to see her where she was, I don’t know how to be any more accommodating and work around her schedule.  It’s funny because when I visit different areas, I always go to people and when people come out I still go out to them.  How’s that for one-sided?!

Like I said, I’m done with all that, just done!

(On a side note, after I wrote this.  I worked things out with her over dinner because like I said, I tend to get over things too easily.  I was told during all this drama by many people (which since I don’t post things like that, so many people made me smile with their love and support of my minor drama that it really touched me that people I didn’t even realized cared so much and had such nice thoughts about me) that I am not the kind of person that holds onto anger and judges people, that I am a great friend and people that are my true friends know that and wouldn’t take it for granted and also not to let peoples mistakes change who I am.  I shook my head at the though, saying that I have changed, people have changed me and that something that has changed is I don’t put that much into friendships like that anymore.

But, the bottom line is that I’m not going to spend a lifetime of hating people or holding grudges, they’re right, it’s not me.  Will I hit the request button after I so eagerly deleted her?  No.  My friends have my information and I have theirs so if there is really a friendship there, then I won’t need Facebook to know that.)
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