Less is More

While I was visiting my grandmother she tells me that my aunt is sick.  She says she needs surgery on her eye before she loses her vision because she has diabetes with no means of medicating herself for it.  Then my grandmother says that she told my aunt to wait until July when she can send her money, apparently this conversation happened in May.

Ok, quick back story…

My mom’s family lives in the Philippines.  I’m constantly sending things over and often those things that I so easily discarded are seen in pictures from them.  I see them wearing the clothes I no longer wanted or rarely used and the toys my kids forgot they owned.  My family in PI opens the box of things I called junk and they truly called it treasures.  I feel like I could never give them enough and sometimes that torments me at night.  I’m not sure if I wrote a blog about this in the past back when I was out in PI visiting.  But, it was really hard for me to come back from that trip and sleep on my puffy pillows and 1000 thread count sheets at night, knowing that they didn’t even have a floor to sleep on.  It was a hard reality.  Since then I have been sending even more things that I know I don’t need as much as they do and some money whenever I could.  Often, I would send parts of my checks or give them money I received as gifts during birthdays and holidays.  It was my gift back.  Yet, it’s still never enough.  I know that I can’t cure world hunger from the simple fact that I can barely help my own family.  It’s a sad fact and harsh reality!!

Now let’s fast forward…

Of course I ask my grandmother how much is this surgery she needs so that she doesn’t lose her sight.  She tells me 900 pesos.  I ask how much that translates to and she says 10 bucks.  I want to fall onto the floor and kick, scream and throw myself into a little tantrum.  I don’t understand how she is possibly sitting there going blind over ten bucks I probably waste daily.  

I look in my wallet, pull out a hundred and hand it over.  She doesn’t want to take it…

I plead with her to take the money and send it over, get her eye fixed, medication she needs and glasses and whatever she needs to help her see!  I feel like that will be a lot of money for them, since they live off about two hundred a month.  But, yet it’s not nearly enough!  I don’t know how to help, to make a lasting difference in their lives.  I am struck with a feeling of guilt that is overwhelming. 

This weekend while visiting my sister she gets me wrapped up in watching The Real Housewives of… wherever!  I get sucked into their drama and realize that the reality TV that I am watching isn’t reality at all.  But, just a comedy made for me to laugh at, surely!  Their lives are so full of the kind of drama I look to avoid with friends and yet I stare in disbelief that people would really want themselves posted all over acting the way they do.  But, then I think about Jersey Shore and think some people really do.

Though don’t get me wrong, I loved watching their mellow drama.  It makes me forget about the hard realities of life, although not for very long.

So then I lay in my bed, fantasizing… but these are fantasies that I’m not used to.  Instead they are filled with how and what I can do with my life that would make not only a difference in my kid’s lives but going far beyond that.  Doing something that will continually give passed my own lifetime.  That is what I want to do, something that lasts for the people I love.  I want for so much that I feel starved.  I want for things beyond me and I strive to get it… I work towards it but feel stuck.  I feel like there is so much that I could do if I could find the right opportunity.  As I search for it and hope that it finds me, I am still here trying with all I have to make something happen and I know the vanity that is me and I used to think it was ultimately for myself but I realize more and more, I want for so much more than myself, I want for those around me. 
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...