I love being touched, hugged, kissed, pleased and teased. The wonderful moments you feel passion rising and you don’t want anything else at the very second expect maybe to feel that passion explode. I love the feeling of anticipation, of building desire and sometimes just unadulterated lust! Sitting here thinking about it has me reeling for that high, that want.
I start to type out my thoughts, my point… I have one, usually. But, now I have lost my train of thought. Instead I lean back feeling my body heat rise as I think back to moments of ecstasy. Seeing glimpses of the photos in my head, the slip of a hand moving up a thigh, a zealous kiss held in fervent desire, glossy skin against skin, the touches, the caresses, the feeling…
How much I crave and want it, how much I feel like I need it… constant and always.
Then I have a new feeling,
the one that feels just like the slam of a door in your face, the one that cuts that feeling right down to anger and frustration, the kind you want to throw your hands up and scream.
I have come to this new realization (through doctor’s visits and blood tests) that all the exhaustion I feel is not from the lack of sleep, though that doesn’t help, but from the fact that I am truly falling apart, from the inside out. It’s completely unnerving to constantly battle your body. Once you start to wrap your head around one thing and deal with it, you start to feel better, feel hope!
Then BAM, dead end!
You then have to turn around and drive through the bumpy roads you just came through once more, trying to find direction. Suddenly you feel the fishtail of your wheels and think this is it, I’m going to spin wildly out of control and CRASH. Yet, you just did this journey, didn’t you. So, you slowly remember to grab hold and straighten out your vehicle and manage it awkwardly straight… for how long? Only god knows!
This is the constant battle I feel faced with every time I go to the doctors. I start to get a handle on managing one thing and then come’s another. I slowly feel hope drained from my very soul and I think how many times can I give myself a pep talk? How many times can I physic myself out and tell myself… “you’re a fighter, you can do this”, “your kids are watching, inspire them with you strength and courage”, “this is nothing, you’ll be fine”? I like to think all the things I tell myself are working and some days they do, but it’s those days they don’t that I worry about. The days where I contemplate the future that might not be, those are the days that I really, truly worry about. I gave myself a death sentence, started to march on through before it was time.
Did you feel that high I felt, starting this blog? Did you feel the desire build and then slam shut? That is how I constantly feel and it’s tormenting me to no end. I sometime beg for it, yet, my body slams shut on me. Sometimes the simple touch of a hand can cause my body to shut down. How fair is that, the thing I want, I can’t have. That’s life, right? I can’t enjoy the touch of a hand, let alone the maddening motion of body on body, when the very caress of a fingertip sends my body into a state of panic, feeling instead that hot desire I felt a moment ago instantly melt as I rear back into pain. My very body hurts as though it’s been beaten, yet, sits pretty yearning for pleasure. I find that irony, ironic. That I would desire something I can’t handle, so badly I want and try and fail, repeatedly.
Instead I lay and think myself into a frenzy, as my body heats with desire and then anger. I have not changed my moods or passions, just my ability to handle it. I’m exasperated, irritated, and mostly infuriated! I want to keep my feet and complain about how unfair it is…
Last week I received a group email from my friends, talking life about life and all the wonderful things it has to offer, back and forth we all banter. Fun chatter, as we joke and kid, we love and cry with each other. We talk about kids and trips, families and books. It’s nice to hear what we are all up and life around us. Then of course come’s the subject of husbands and sex.
Yay, I love this subject! But, when it comes to my friends, I am just the voyeur. I started this blog because there are some things you just can’t share with everyone. Some things that you just don’t share with your friends and some things they just don’t want to hear.
I read on as I watch the thread and as they go complaining about having to have sex with their partner, their lover, their best friend, their spouse. Joking about their tricks and things they do to get out of sex, as though sex as a horrible cold they don’t want to catch. They use it to get purse and jewelry, or get out of things like cleaning up or putting the kids to bed BUT I often wonder if they ever use sex to enjoy, to release, to climax, to please their partner or themselves? Do they ever think of themselves when they want it, do they ever want it? Could I turn into someone that doesn’t want it?!
The thought scares me back into reality and I realize how much I want it and how furious I am at my friends. They have the ability to let go and enjoy themselves with a partner that would do whatever they want over and over, if they so desired. Yet, they snicker about their tricks and ways to get out of it like they are sharing a lasagna recipe. I think of how unfair that is and how mean and cruel and then I remember one of the reasons I write this blog. To share with my 8.23 readers that not every woman is like that, not every woman uses sex as a game, that some women out there really enjoy sex and want it for the simple fact that it’s pleasing to please and be pleased. If you have a woman like that, hold her close and don’t let her get away, being a woman with many girlfriends, I know for a fact that it is very, very rare!
Now, if only I can figure out a way to get my body feeling right again, I can enjoy what they are all missing!