Where's My Car?!

So, I know that I wrote two blogs already about memories and here I will go on again but I just didn’t think the three things I wanted to write about went together and I didn’t really want them together anyhow. Taking away for the importance of each is something I didn’t want to do. So here I am writing a third blog about the same thing.

This time it’s the broken friendship I have. A friendship that has shattered into countless pieces, for the umpteenth time! I’m not quite sure which is harder having my friend pass away and never being able to see or talk to him again or having my best friend a phone call away and not being able to talk to her. Obviously, there’s a choice in the matter for the second one. Yet, it’s not really my choice any more. Hands down the first is the hardest and I wouldn’t really compare but the thoughts are still hard either way. Having a friend you love and can’t talk to is the same feeling as losing someone you love.

There have been so many times I want to call her and just tell her something amazing that happened. There are those days where I really need a friend that will listen and comfort me through my tears and pain. She was the friend I knew whatever the situation I could call and we would pick up instantly like there wasn’t one second that passed between the calls. Whenever I saw her in person we were always so comfortable around each other. It was like being home. Every time I had to leave her it was like pulling a child away from its mother. We were stuck in our embrace and neither one of us wanted to let go.

I really didn’t ever understand the term “estranged” until my friend and I stopped talking. Unfortunately, I understand it all too well, now. She is my estranged BFF. She is the one that I will be talking to a friend at lunch and suddenly bring her up with a funny story that I just have to tell. Every time that happens, which it happens a lot, it brings instant tears to my eyes when I think of our friendship and how it is no longer.

It’s so hard and when I talk about her I feel as though I lost someone. Yet, she is still here just completely unreachable. Our friendship currently at a standstill no matter how many attempts we make to fix it, it stays broken and shattered.

I am the optimist of the relationship, can you believe that?! So, like I always tell her in the few chats we do have, that I have hope that one day things will work out and we can have the friendship I know is there under all the layers.

Yet, the longer the distance the more hope that is chipped away and the less likely I feel we can mend such broken parts. I would love nothing more than to have the friend that she used to be, but in all honest I don’t think I would ever be the friend I used to be. So… there it is.

She has become my ex that I talk about in my memories but I can no longer reach. Every attempt to rekindle something that used to be is met with a sour taste in my mouth that makes me feel like an ex-girlfriend calling an ex-boyfriend drunk and leaving messages of love and devotion just to wake up in the morning thinking, why the hell would I do that??!! Worse of all why is he in my bed? Didn’t we break up?!

So, it leads me to believe that no matter how hurt I feel from our breakup, do I really want it fixed? Most days I answer no, then those really hard days hit and I remember that I don’t even believe me!

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