Tunnel Vision

Ever have a relationship with someone, anyone really, that likes to pick fights with you. Likes to get you all worked up and seems to thrive in those situations? Someone that makes you so upset that you feel like you are going to suffocate and yet while you sit there turning blue and pointing to your face so they get the hint, they keep on going and going like they are made out of energizer batteries.

It is so hard to be in a relationship with someone that doesn’t know when enough is enough. It’s really hard to argue points back and forth when no one is listening. No one can listen because everyone is screaming. It becomes about who’s right and who’s wrong. It becomes about who did what and where to point the finger. It becomes about who can throw the hardest punch and who will be left standing.

It is so exhausting to be fighting and arguing all the time. When you aren’t fighting you are using all your energy to stay out of fight. Nothing seems as easy as it once did. Every argument is at the forefront of your brain waiting to use it as ammunition if you need to defend yourself.

Nothing solved, nothing resolved.

It’s an endless battle. No matter how many times you try and work things out it always comes back to some fight about some girl and some lie. Then you wonder if trust is ever something you can get back because you try but then there’s another lie about another girl and you wonder. Is it me? What is it about all them that is so much better that makes him do stupid unforgivable things? Why am I never good enough and all a guy needs? They all start out telling me that I am all they need and everything they could ever want. Yet, it always is the same story about his needs. What about mine? Who’s the one watching out after that? I can’t compete with all the women in the world and even if I could, I wouldn’t. I have no desire to try to be the smarter one, the funnier one, the sweet one or the most beautiful one. My only desire is to be me and only me. Take it or leave it. If that’s not good enough for you I can give you directions to the nearest exit. I am not one for holding onto someone that doesn’t want to be here.

But, what if that someone says he wants to be here all the time, says that you are his only true love, the one he wants to spend forever with. That same person is the person that decides that he wants to do whatever he wants regardless of how it makes you feel. That same someone likes to fight and make things harder than it needs to be. That same person that gets you so mad so often that you swear you are just going to stop breathing. Maybe that’s when your own needs are more important and if he doesn’t want to consider your feeling and your needs, why do you care about making sure everything copasetic for him?

When you argue this much in a relationship you often wonder, is this going to work? Are we going to make it? Is he the right person for me? Then you start to think are you even in a healthy relationship? Then you really wonder on the days he is pushing you to your limit and everything starts to go black. You wonder is he even good for my health?!
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