Roll up the window...

I can’t hear in here! The noise is deafening! Oh wait, that’s the sound of my voice. Opps!

I am always screaming out loud and silently. He says I have no patience and I am always yelling.

I say I’m tired of being insulted, tired of not being heard and tired of fighting for… my thoughts trail in mid-sentence. What the hell am I fighting about… or for anyways?! It’s a big mystery hidden beneath years of fights and resentment.

To me my biggest flaw is that I yell and curse when I am angered. So, I’ll give Mr. Angel that one. I am guilty as charged!! My foul mouth isn’t just in the bedroom. Surprise, Surprise!

Although, patience is another story. I have the short fuse he claims. I guess he didn’t notice the many times I asked him to stop poking me with his words. I guess when I asked him to stop he didn’t hear me and of the ten times I repeated it. Then comes my warning that I can no longer tolerate the poking, then ten more pokes after that, I SNAP!

Then comes the finger pointing. Look at me so mean, always yelling, always cursing. It’s a vicious cycle I am stuck in. But, let me ask you, how many times do you get poked before you snap? Better yet, let me ask him. Oh, wait he’s Mr. Angel, he doesn’t ever snap! Riiight!!

Calm people in my world is all I can handle. I have something to say to the people that enjoy the fight, the poking and the finger pointing – please exit stage left!

I am not saint but I can tell you this, I for no reason, ever like to start fights, pick fights, make people feel uneasy. Be the cause problems or anything else that causes negativity. I am so non-confrontational that it becomes ridiculous to be in a constant argument with anyone. I thought I grew past 13 but apparently I am stuck there with people that like to drag you down.

Silence! I don’t believe it helps any situation. But, with every fight comes silence from me. Not only will I not discuss the argument, I won’t discuss anything. Even though I know that it doesn’t help, I do believe at least when there is silence there isn’t anything being said, there are no hurtful words, there’s no yelling.

Mr. Angel’s biggest problem when we argue isn’t just the fact that he doesn’t listen to what I am trying to say but the fact that he digs the biggest hole I have ever seen. He manages to make a small disagreement into a huge hole that will take weeks to get out of. Most of the time I don’t even think he is digging holes. I think he is digging a grave. It’s either for me or for him.

I need calmness surrounding me, I need someone with the ability to understand what buttons set me off and know under no circumstance is it ok to press them! Once you push each other’s buttons no one is listening to one another. You are essentially arguing with yourself. The only person you can hear through all the noise is yourself.

I am a time out taker. When I get mad enough I will say I am done. This is always his clue to back off. Does he? No, because he is a button pusher, you’d think after all this time he would know me well enough that there is no point yelling at the wall I have now become. I have had years and years of practicing this wall building. He could be yelling in my face and I will hear nothing. I will be blank and indifferent. If I do choose to listen to the yelling, even if I don’t respond I have heard the harsh words and will remember them with resentment for a very long time.

So, I change my mind, don’t roll up the window. I didn’t want to hear you anyways!

“Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty!” - Words to live by and one of my favorite quotes!
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