Road Ends

Remembering the past while cleaning my garage the other day was interesting to say the least. Then it brought on missing people that are no longer around. It’s a hard thing to feel and it’s a hard thing to get through. Alive or otherwise, losing people in your life can bring harsh emotions quickly and without warning.

I wanted music to dance around my garage to while purging junk and dead weight from my life. So, I go over to the stereo that has taken up permanent residence in my garage for the many days I spend out there. I look at the stereo and I think about my friend that bought it for me. Looking at the stereo while realizing I will not ever be able to get rid of it and hope that it never breaks. The stereo brought me back over ten years ago when my friend first gave it to me. I just got my new apartment and was living on my own for the first time in a long time and I was excited and as a housewarming gift he brought it over. It was sweet and it was something I have always had with me since. This became a huge reminder of the friends you don’t know you have until they are suddenly standing at your door with such a thoughtful present. Since, I am one that always loves music and loves to dance around as often as possible.

I looked at this stereo and suddenly was ambushed with thoughts of our friendship and how many countless years he had been there. How many times I cried on the phone and how many lunches and dinners we spent laughing at crazy things we went through apart or together. I really valued our friendship more than I knew. I feel the sting of guilt every time I think about those times I didn’t take his call cause I was “too busy” at the moment and thought he will be there when I call back, he always was. He was the type that was never too busy for me and always made time whenever I needed it. The heartache I feel that I didn’t express that to him when he I could have, kills me!

Missing that last call he will ever make to me was the worse. Granted I was out of the country and had no control over that, I still missed the call. By the time I came home and returned his call, I never got a call back. Which of course I thought was strange until a day later, when I got the call that he had passed. It was a hard call to hear and so unreal that I couldn’t believe it.

Even days later sitting in at the funeral with hundreds of people that we’re there paying their respects to his family. I still sat in disbelief as I quietly cried over and over not believing that I had missed that last call and I had never told him how much he meant to me and how our friendship was important to me.

One year later and I still have a momentary lapse in memory when I think to call. One year later and I think that he’s still at home blasting his Johnny Cash while working on his motorcycle with stories to tell me after the weekend. One year later and I still don’t believe he’s gone and it hurts every time I think I will never get another call, another lunch at work, another holiday with the family, another hug, another year, not even another day, and those all those times I heard I love you from the his end of the line, I will never get a chance to have said even once… I love you, too!

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