Pull over... I'm tired!

I find it funny that this blog is lucky number 13.

Sick and tired of being tired and sick!

I swear that once I start to feel better my body tricks me and suddenly I am in a whirlwind of unexpected doctor visits, tests and endless appointments.

I would like to wake up in the morning and feel great. Look at myself in the mirror and think what am I going to do today that doesn’t involve doctors or all the pills and many restrictions am I put on.

I dream of days when I did feel better but those dreams are barely a memory now. I think about myself as an old woman and I think I can barely handle myself now, how will I deal with myself years from now? What happens to me when I am over twice my age and I am seeing 60, 70 or 80? Will I even get that far? Sometimes I think, I seriously doubt it with the way things are going. Then other times I think... when the sun is a little brighter, that I will be an old grandma with grandchildren galore. Those days make me happy and I look forward to all that future brings.

The days when the sun isn’t so bright or it forgets to come out at all are the days that I dread. The ones that leave me feeling helpless. Helpless! It’s not a feeling any person wants to feel. But, to each his own and I feel my own personal hell when I start to feel helpless. When I can't do something as simple as get out of a chair, I feel myself get angry at the thought of not being able to do it. Something so simple and something I should be able to do. I am not asking to climb Mount Everest. I just want to be able to do the simple things that most of the world does without a second thought. I don’t want it to be a thought! I want it to be an action, a thoughtless action. Yet, my world seems surrounded by things I didn’t use to pay attention too, which now I have no choice but to listen to the screams. It’s screaming at me loud and clear. Yelling and waving the red flag at me as it lets me know with a simple motion, I’m here to stay!

So deal, right?!

I don’t want sympathy or the boo hoo me ritual that is all too common in most people I know. I barely like talking about being sick, ill or whatever you’d like to call this. I don’t like telling the world every problem I have, most things I keep to myself. Some days are just harder than others not to kick and scream and want to give up entirely. But, in the deepest part of every scream all I want is just to feel better because on my good days I do deal with it and those are really great days! So, give me the directions, the pills and whatever else you have up your sleeve doctor! Just help me feel better!

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