Population One

Remember the days when you start a relationship and you couldn’t wait to see that person. You wanted to spend every waking moment with them, come home early just for a few more moments with each other and you’d give up sleep just to talk all hours of the night listening to their voice.

Enjoying the butterflies that flutter around your tummy. All the while, you make plans for the today, tomorrow and every single day of the future. Your life is fulfilled with endless plans and happy moments and dreams of what is to come. It’s an amazing feeling to have your whole life smiling at you just because you fell in love.

I remember the days of selflessness. Days where I couldn’t think of anything better than to fill their life with everything that would make them smile. Staying up for hours making plans to any place that he hasn’t seen yet just to watch his eyes light up and his head fill with wonder. There were days where I couldn’t do anything more than love him. I was always looking forward to every moment that I could have with him, in the smallest and largest amounts.

Those moments in the beginning when you wanted every minute were awesome. I wish I had realized then that those moments slowly fade away. The desire to have every minute of their time can soon turn into moments where you love being alone and having silence.

You start to struggle to find your way back but the road has closed and you don’t know the detour.

I want more than I have. Then I feel guilty for wanting things and asking for something as simple as a phone call, time, attention and selfless love. Ok, maybe that last one is a lot for anyone to ask for, but wasn’t there a time when it did come easy? When you wanted nothing more than to give your love and that would be more than enough for you. I want that. Can I ask for that? Can anyone really give that from the beginning to the end?

Or is that road permanently closed?
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