“What’s your emergency?”

“I’m lost and need help!”

“Where are you?”

“I’m nowhere.”

I have been asking for help as far back as I can remember. But, with each passing year the less help I want to admit to.

Two years ago I started going to marriage counseling. I love it and I feel like it really helps battle some “issues” that I go through. A lot of the time I go solo which is really hard to do “marriage counseling” that way. More and more he seems to try and go, which I am not sure if it’s helping or not. Who ever really knows?

When I am there I hear a lot of “how can I help you” and “what are you looking to accomplish” and then the ever popular “and how do you feel about that”.

As funny as it sounds, they are perfect ways to get me talking. Obviously, that’s what I am there for to talk, right!? I often feel like a very tall strong slick wall with very little give for anyone to climb over or even break through. But, it takes about two seconds for my therapist to break down the wall and have me spilling out “most” of my guts within an hour. He gives me a calmness I don’t find on a normal day. Obviously, he is really great at his job to be able to get me to open up and calm me down by just speaking to me. His mellow attitude and his ability to always stay calm makes me feel safe. I feel like I can tell him everything and anything I want to, NOT that I actually do that. But, I feel like if I really needed to, he would always be there to listen and not judge me.

He is the third therapist I have been to and I had no hope in him working out any more than the first two. Surprised to realize that he worked out so well I feel like I couldn’t ever imagine not having him as someone I can turn to whenever I need someone there for me. I really thought the whole therapy thing was a joke until I found him. He seems a little unorthodox in the way he sometimes shakes me to my senses, but it works for me and I need the eye opening slap in the face just as much as I need someone to tell me I’m not as insane as I think I am. I don’t know what I would be doing with myself if I didn’t find him. He’s a person to help me reason when there seemed to be no more reasons for anything.

My only downfall with the whole situation is that because I’m in “marriage counseling” I don’t tell him everything. Cause in marriage counseling it is full disclosure to both parties involved. Because of that I keep things to myself that I don’t want to discuss with anyone else. So, I tend to still keep the most important things to myself.

Sure, it helps to know why I have the problems I do and why the things I do "make sense" to me… childhood trama, abusive relationships and yada yada yada. But, what about the things I need to talk about that I don’t want to share with my husband. Who do I talk about those things with, how do I make sense of all that?!

So, here I am still asking for help. Won’t someone send me some!?!!
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