Health Drive

I have been going through withdrawals from not being able to write as much as I want to. Not being able to do all the times that I want to. It is completely and utterly frustrating.

I have been feeling sick lately which has been nothing new since I started feeling sick a while ago. Some days are easier than others. It drives me crazy to feel like there is always something wrong with me. Instead of getting better I feel like I go into the doctor’s to find out something else that is wrong. I often wonder if it is seriously possible to have one person have so many things that is wrong with her.

I recently went a fundraiser to raise awareness for PKD since it’s something I have to live with and deal with on a daily basis. At first I wanted to hide from it all and crawl in a shell. I didn’t want the boo hoo her treatment and everyone treating me like I was going to break. I know everyone means well and I am learning to be better about it all. Still learning!

I have family in the hospital from at as I sit here and type. I think about their struggle and I see it as my own sooner than I can handle. Losing their kidneys and having both removed and depending on a machine is something quite terrifying. Then getting a kidney just to have it die within a week and end up in stuck in the hospital. The drama and pain of it all makes a person wonder if it’s even worth it. Of course I want to go on living, but at what point is it no longer living… I want to say fight to the end but what if it is the end and you just keep hanging on to the tip of the rope you need to let go of?! I don’t want them to give up, I want them to fight! I want to see that it’s worth it, it will be worth it. I need that. I need to know it is!

I hear all the wonderfully sad things that happen when you are a PKD patient and all the things I hear frightens me, but I am glad to know it. Otherwise, I would dream up nightmares on my own. I didn’t realize how hard things are and the closer to the last stage you get, the more extreme it all is. It seems awful, painful and above all terrifying. I want to know what to expect but the more I learn the more freaked I become. The thoughts that it is inevitable that I too will see and feel the same things they are going through. I often wonder if I am even strong enough to handle it all. If you believe in such things, they say; “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” but what happens if you don’t believe in such things, do you get more than you can handle and eventually fall apart?

Now it’s time for more tests and more doctors appointments… so here I go…

When I go in I find out I am anemic and I have to take iron and hopefully that helps with all the fatigue I feel. For the most part, with the help of vitamins, I still feel fatigued. I don’t really know what to do about that besides down red bulls that I am not supposed to drink. It’s gotten to the point that whenever I am involved in activities where other people are involved that I have to drink an energy drink to make it to at least the early night, after that if I don’t have another one you will find me passed out in a corner and if you knew me at all, I am usually the one always up and ready to go before anyone else and can last until the next morning. All the things I used to do while others are asleep sit undone because I can’t seem to gather the energy to do a thing.

Dealing with those two things is challenging to say the least. I dislike medicines, I dislike having to see doctors and I really dislike being sick or feeling sick. Then comes another appointment with other problems they treat me for with more meds. Then more tests to check everything they can possibly check.

Come to find out I’m also pre-diabetic. Mix some PKD with a little anemia, sprinkle some high sugar levels and you can just take me out back and put me out of my misery. Is it really possible to have so many things go wrong for one person?!! Dealing with one thing is hard enough then add all this other stuff and I feel like I am going crazy! Completely insane!!

It all is quite a bad mixture since it all affects your kidneys, which is not a very good thing at all. To have everything attack the same organ is scary because I don’t want it failing any faster than I can control, which I have little to no control over anything it seems. I often feel helpless and upset that things are always going wrong with my health. I don’t eat unhealthy for the most part and I love to exercise, yet I have an array of problems with the appropriate symptoms to go along with it. Then of course don’t even start me on all the meds they throw at me and all the complications that come with that. You treat one thing with one drug and then you have to treat a side-affect with another drug. It’s an endless cycle of drugs.

Do I smell a conspiracy? Doctors and pharmacist all working together to make lots and lots of money!

I am not one to take pills of any kind, and the more they give me the less I want to take it. I can’t see any of this being good for me at all. So, then I stop and I get worse. So… then I start again and then all the complications come right back. I really need to learn to stick through all the problems that come with meds but it’s really hard to take something that makes you feel worse than you do when you aren’t taking it. I know I might not feel my kidneys worsening, but I do feel the nausea from the meds to help it stay healthy, yet I hate the feeling and I seriously want to crawl into a whole and bury myself.

I can’t describe with all the words in the dictionary how I feel when I am sick. I think thoughts of despair and wish it all away, in any way I can make it stop. It really gets to me when I see little hands touch me and little eyes staring with concern as I lay motionless staring into space. Then I feel that anger inside me flame as I feel the waste of time that happens every time I am forced to just do nothing and wait for it to all pass. It passes for a few wonderful moments here and there but then returns and I feel floored all over again. Then I start my cycle of frustration all over again. I do this all the time over and over. I have some better days than others. Most would never know the torment I feel because I don’t put it on display for the world to know. Yet, I do have to talk myself out of the misery I feel on a regular basis.

I am in constant thought about where do I go if I always feel like I’m going down?!! How can I pick myself up if I always feel like I am falling?!! What is the point of it all anyways?!!
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