Dead End

Ever feel like your heart is going to explode?

One more fight, one more argument, one more conflict and your heart is just going to stop.

Then you think to yourself as you hear the words floating around you in an angry storm, you know, those words that make your head hurt and your brain swell. Then you start to think that your heart stopping wouldn’t be so bad.

I am very non-confrontational. So, when I am forced to confront or forced into a confrontation I either back out slowly then bolt for the nearest exit or you will find me in your face screaming and stomping my foot. It’s usually, mostly, more often than not… the first one. But, there are those days that you will have pushed that one button that says don’t push and you will hear things out of my mouth that you wish you wouldn’t have ever heard. Those are the times people retreat thinking, wow, I really thought she was going crave and run away like she normally does. But, everyone has a button and a limit!


I constantly feel this extreme need to walk around singing… or screaming for world peace. I don’t understand with all the intelligent people in the world, why we haven’t figured out world peace yet? Why hasn’t someone figured it out and fixed everything? It would really help me out over here!

Let me guess… because everyone has their own agenda’s and giving other people what they want and bending for other people is looked at as a weakness. We can’t give in because they should give in. They should do what I want because I am the one that is right! When will everyone realize that in a fight, everyone checked their brain at the door and no one is ever right!?!!

I must live in a world of fantasy. I must really be delusional to think that we can all get along. Obviously, we can’t! Obviously we are all in a state of me Me ME all the time. We can’t give more than we receive because it should all be equal. We can’t let people take more than their fair share. We can’t let people have more than we do because we are all entitled to so much more than the next person, because we have all become that righteous!

I am not going to say that I am not guilty of the very same flaw I complain about from time to time. I would be lying if I said I didn’t. Though, I like to think when it comes right down to it I would be the first to let go of the entitlement issues to open my arms and be the better person.

That’s where most of my mistakes start. My ability to do that starts this thought process in my head that other people should think that way, too. Wrong! Other people don’t do that. Though I wish they did, they don’t always. Yet, I still feel disappointed every single time that I see the worst in people instead of the best. I want everyone to be there best, take the high road and be a better person than I can ever even dream of being myself.

Conflict is a scary thing, especially when it is loaded with violence. I have seen violence first hand in many situations that I don’t take lightly to the smallest threat of violence. I don’t like hearing it, seeing it or being a part of it! Naturally!! It causes me so much anxiety when I feel the threat of violence coming on that I really feel like my heart is going to explode. Then I go into the ever famous fight or flight mode.

Most recently it was me screaming out the window of a moving car while running away. I don’t find it easier but I do find that I can calm myself down the further away I get. Yet, I still feel the danger lurking in the back of my mind and I feel the need to run further, the further I get.

This entry to my blog can go many different ways… I am speaking in circles from many different things on my mind. Yet, it is the same circle. The circle of conflict! Don’t be surprised when I stop dead in my tracks and face the bull head on. Where that will get me I can’t predict, but I at least the circle will stop and I can move on or not at all.

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