Car Wash

I pull up and hand over the keys while pointing at all the imperfections. Hoping that when I get it back it will all be gone and my car will look shiny and new again. Even those little scratches that no one sees will disappear even more while the car is worked over and they wax it all away. Even though I will always notice the scratches because I know they are there.

I spent the entire weekend cleaning out my life! Getting rid of all the things I don’t want or no longer need. It was great to get rid of things and it lifted a huge weight off my shoulders not to mention a few truckloads of boxes that made the garage bigger. It was kind of amazing that cars fit in there! Either way, getting rid of the stuff made me feel free!

Then I came across a tote filled with the old me. The nice girl, the sweet loving one, the girl any guy would love to have. Not this damaged version of what used to be. As much as I try for the old me, to pull her back to reality, she is stuck somewhere out there trying to find her way home.

The old me… what memories! The old girl that used to love with every ounces of her being. The one that made you feel like you were the only one in the world whenever you were with her. I loved that other version of myself, the one I only hide from in fear now. How wonderful it would be to have her free again! I try and let her out but one taste of bitter disappoint and she runs back to hiding. Through tears and pain she has hidden herself away, but even through all that, I would love nothing more than to have her back.

I want to have those days of love where you want nothing more than to see the love of your life, as you spend your day dreaming of reuniting. A simple smile formed at his lips would make your insides melt and his happiness brought on your own. Those countless hours spent rolling between the sheets until the sun came peeking through your drapes. Days filled with love letters and dedicated songs. All the nights of candlelight dinners, wearing nothing but negligee with extra sweet desserts. Beautiful picnics on the beach, feeding each other food while oiling up your hot skin. Enjoying long sensual massages, touching every part of your body. Laughter and giggles from all the long endless talks.

I could go on about all the things I wish I still did… the things I loved doing until that door became locked. I want that person back, I love that person and I need to find a way to bring her back. Without her all is lost. Loving with everything you have is the only way to really love.

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